I recently wrote an episode of Parks and Rec, and It has a lot of Jamm in it. There is also a dumb law or two.

Smoke n’ Jamm

I hope it makes ya laff. I hope it makes you has a gas attack.

Zac

The film centers on American newsman Joe Bradley who has found himself stationed in Rome. When Joe haphazardly meets Princess Ann, a young woman tired of leading a confined life of luxury, the two embark on a journey through Rome. Bradley begins the film as the smooth talking newsman who would do anything for a story, and Ann begins the film as a sheltered idol who longs for more.

The always-suave Gregory Peck portrays Bradley. Who is incredibly endearing as a modern man, who just wants the best story out there. He is kind-hearted, tender, and doesn’t screw around. Peck makes it look easy, and pursues Ann with this perfect journalistic indifference most men wouldn’t be able to keep when standing toe to toe with Audrey Hepburn.

The young and incredibly beautiful Hepburn portrays Princess Ann. She plays this whimsical fish out of water, which is eager to learn about the world she finds herself in. Her performance is childlike, and proper all at the same time. She yearns for a world without rules, and finds herself overwhelmed by both Bradley and the adventure he takes her on. An adventure that by most people’s standards is just a typical day on vacation.

Bradley meets Ann, who has been sedated, and is completely incapable of taking care of herself. He soon learns exactly who she is, and decides to make the most of their meeting. He follows her in pursuit of an exclusive story, and she remains with him in pursuit of something extraordinary.

Bradley spends the day carting Ann around the city, and showing her all the wonderful things she never was allowed to do. The two infect one another with a certain energy that pushes them both to become better people.

In a time where love stories were a dime a dozen Roman Holiday stands apart from the rest. It is still about two very different people completing one another, but sexuality isn’t even mentioned. What results is a deeply personal tale of how to become a better person by living a day under the thumb on someone else’s ideals. Bradley and Ann are constantly at odds based on their different perceptions of every day life. Each one finds the other’s energy completely infectious and consuming.

The film pushes that the ideal life isn’t one of luxury, or of the common workingman, but somewhere in between. Life is about the small moments of playfulness, other people, and fleeting adventures. The film has a happy message to be sure, but a message that carries a cost, all the same. These fleeting moments of adventure remind us that we must eventually return to our regular lives, be it one of luxury or normality.

In any event we must use others to infuse us with a new sense of being and relation to the world. Through doing so we become more complete well-rounded individuals.

The beautiful visuals of Rome are on full display in this film. As our characters spend the day visiting the numerous historic sites that Rome is known for. Together they experience and create history at the same time. The cinematography spends time taking in the full breadth of the surroundings, and even takes its time to move the camera in interesting ways while the characters on screen. A visual style that is unique for the time, as most other films from the time were told from fixed perspectives. Surely the film made waves in 1953, as an American production filmed entirely in Rome. The modern equivalent is almost unfathomable.

Through disillusionment both characters invigorate each other with a certain idealism that forever changes their outlook on their regular lives. Each has become a better person, and while the film is classified as a love story. Calling it such would be a disservice. The film is about loving a perspective on life, falling for someone’s ideology, and letting that ideology become part of yours. In a time where sexuality was frowned upon in the film world, filmmakers had to find other ways of telling powerful love stories. Roman Holiday doesn’t just succeed at doing so, it sets the precedent for undermining the typical conventions of love in film.

10 hot wet kisses/11

Blue Valentine is a film that ditches the typical conventions of most Hollywood films. The film isn’t about a happy relationship, or about a broken one really. It’s about idealism, projecting ourselves onto others, and giving up.

The film’s protagonist Dean is a lost young man. He has a generous heart, and finds himself working odd jobs to make ends meet. He meanders through life with an infectious energy that he eventually projects onto Cindy. Cindy is in what seems to be an ideal relationship when we meet her. Yet, things quickly crumble with an unplanned pregnancy.

She finds herself reinvigorated by Dean, who eventually courts her, commits to her, and idolizes her. Together the two, carry on a heated relationship. Filled with passion in the beginning that eventually burns out into loathing.

The film jumps between two time periods. Showing the couple in their most ideal state, and flashing to the couple on the verge of collapse. These jumps provide an interesting narrative. In each time the characters are fundamentally the same people, yet, they find themselves reacting to each other differently.

What results is a complex evaluation of passion and self-projection. In the beginning neither is happy, and the other infuses happiness onto them. In the end both are seemingly happy outside of their married life, and the other drags them into a state of disarray.

The film provides a powerful and complex evaluation of the contemporary relationship. It demonstrate that passion can indeed burn out, and who we are when the passion leaves is not always who we want to be. Thematically the film is about finding hope where they may be none, but more than that it’s about losing that hope in another person.

Ryan Gosling and Michelle William’s performances give an incredible depth to a contemporary film couple. They are incomplete people, broken people, who find solace in one another. Powerful emotions are behind every scene.

Take for example the scene in which they meet. Gosling ravishes Williams on the bus. He has tracked her down from earlier, and he aches to get to know her. He pushes his energy onto her through a song, and gets her to dance in the street, while he sings. The two pour onto one another, and it’s the happiest we’ve seen them in the film thus far.

The hard choices they have to make at a young age only push them together harder. They choose to raise a child together, they choose to get married, and they push against Cindy’s parents. The later scenes in the film then go on to re-contextulize the early scenes as childish rebellion. As when time times get tough for the main characters they resort to loathing the parts of each other that they loved most. Dean is careless and free-spirited throughout, and Cindy is stand-offish and internal. Yet, both fail to recognize this. Which is their ultimate undoing.

The cinematography provides a great contrast between the onset of the relationship and it’s downfall. The onset is shot in bright vibrant colors, with lots of life. While downfall shot in muted blues, and cold colors. Shots are quick and fast cutting in the beginning, only to be long, and almost painful near the end.

Blue Valentine changes the way you look at film relationships. As it is a contemporary love film that challenges and defies the typical happy ending. The happy ending here is that the characters let one another go. They choose to be apart, and in doing so, choose to be happy.

8 hot wet kisses/11

THRUSTER

Let me feel ya with my Necrophilia

The Armadillo

Great Moments in Salvia History

Funeral for a friend

Oldboy is a tale of revenge, beautifully shot, acted, and scored. A story unlike any other that will have you guessing the entire way throughout. The narrative follows a man who is imprisoned in a room for fifteen years after one drunken night gone wrong. He is given no explanation, no human contact, and no way to share his torment. The main character Oh-Dae-Su was a terrible man. A man who had wronged many people in his life, Dae-Su chooses to spend his time in isolation repenting for his sins.

Yet, Dae-Su is a flawed man. A man who seeks vengeance. His vengeance consumes him, and when he is released it ultimately destroys him.  Which is the whole theme of the film, vengeance destroys all.

This is easily one of my favorite films. A classical take on the revenge story, and why nobody wins with revenge. The pitfalls of having a sharp tongue, and having your past come back to haunt you. Set to a wonderfully haunting classical score, that will move you in ways you didn’t think a bloody action flick could.

Oldboy is expertly paced, crafted, and told. You will find yourself totally immersed in this world. Moments of sheer terror are balanced beautifully with moments of wonderful comedy, philosophical insight, and downright balls to the wall action.

The cinematography is unlike anything else. I struggle to find any North American film that is as visually interesting as Oldboy that was released at the same time. The whip pans, the long shots, the multiple perspectives, the crazy close ups, the deceptive angles on actions scenes. Oldboy has it all.

Then, then there is that hammer scene. A wonderfully long shot that shows a man beat his from one end of a hall to the other, with only a hammer. My lord. See this movie for that scene alone.

This is one of my all time favorite films. A score isn’t necessary because this film in my mind is perfection. Every element comes together beautifully to create a film you’ll never forget.

Tastefully Titled: Niggerette

I had been anticipating this film since I missed a screening at VIFF this past September. What pains me even more, is the fact that this film is truly something special, something that I wish I could have enjoyed on the silver screen, and something any film goer/lover must see.

I can’t and won’t go into much detail about the plot of the film because revealing too much will ruin the experience. Suffice to say the film will sweep you up, make you think, shock you, and move you, all within two hours.

This is a surreal film about performance, about film, and about the nebulous nature of life itself. Denis Lavant plays a man who must cart around town, attending several “appointments.” Lavant owns this film, pushing himself to vastly different limits, and showing a wide range of capabilities. I don’t know what else to say, other than I’m actually stunned he wasn’t nominated for anything for this film. His role in this world is sharp, interesting, and dynamic. He is unparalleled by anything I’ve watched this year, and I can’t imagine a more defining performance for a career.

Now, this film is strange. I’m not even really sure if I totally get it. Yet, as a person who loves film, loves story, and loves to consume this film really spoke to me. It is as much about the nature of storytelling in life, as it is in film. How do we tell the stories about our own lives? How do we relate to others when were not with them? How do we tell ourselves stories in order to cope with terrible events? What is the role of story? And what is the role of performance in life?

The film calls into question the difference between performance and reality. Causing the viewer to be an active participant in the experience. I imagine everyone who watches this film will project part of themselves into it. Which is part of the surreal experience.

The soundtrack is reserved, and not overly dominant. Yet on top of the performances, the film is visually stunning. Honestly some of the shots at the beginning had me audibly gasping with how beautiful they were. I was completely unaware of it, but the film truly hooks you in visually and shows you so much more than what is actually visually presented… if that makes any sense. Every frame has so much depth, so much meaning, and the film moves whimsically from scene to scene.

Director Leos Carax has truly created a beautiful love letter to film, story, and performance. It’s hard to think of anything else released this past year that has done so much for me. While the film won’t be for everyone, I must recommend that everyone at least give it a chance. No matter what genre, timeframe, or style of film interests you part of Holy Motors should appeal to you.

11 hot wet kisses/11

The ABC’s of Death is a remarkably ambitious film that unfortunately misses the mark. That being said, it does indeed push the medium into interesting territory. For the uninitiated the film consists of twenty six short films about death, each centered around a certain concept that begins with the corresponding letter of the alphabet.

Each film is presented without introduction, credits, or warning. The films play in alphabetical order, and the title isn’t revealed until the film ends. For a lot of these, the film makes a whole lot more sense after the title is revealed. For a few, sense is never to be made.

In theory this film should be a horror entusiast’s dream. A melody of death and horror from some of the most talented directors working in the genre. Yet, the result is a jarring mish mash of different styles, themes, and flat characters.

There are a few exceptions to the rule. Especially three near the tail end of the film, and the one that begins the film. Jason Eisner, Nacho Vigalondo, and Xavier Gens directed the ones I’m thinking of. Each of which is unique, expertly paced, and could easily be made into a feature.

Because the film has no overlying statement to make, there is no real reason to watch. A lot of the films have awful production values, and terrible cinematography. Like really awful, almost unwatchable. I really wanted to love this film, like really really badly. I could never really figure out why they had released it via on demand, and the theatrical release was delayed. Then I spent my Friday afternoon watching it, and quickly found out.

To be honest, I still enjoyed it. Yet, I wouldn’t recommend it to most people I know. Only for those with hardened horror sensibilities, and a passion for death and gore. There are maybe 7 good shorts in here, and sadly 19 others ranging from mediocre to just plain bad. Some are so fucked up and insane that you’ll want to make sure nobody walks in half way through.

3 hot wet kisses/11

The Collection picks up a couple years after the first film. A young woman and her friends hear about a killer party in an abandoned warehouse. From about 10 minutes in, this film hits the gas and doesn’t let up. Honestly the opening scene, will blow any horror movie fan’s mind. So much carnage and bloodshed, you’d think the film wouldn’t be able to keep it up, but it does.

A couple years ago my brother and I popped in The Collector, expecting to be underwhelmed. Somehow the same feeling hovered over me with The Collection. Both films smash that worry, they are expertly paced reinventions of typical horror tropes. I would very much recommend watching The Collector before this guy, but that’s just me. This film does indeed stand alone.

The Collector’s collection is disturbed at this enormous bloodbath rave, and out spills the protagonist from the first film. This film excels in balancing two major protagonists, because the antagonist they oppose is so unrelenting. The pacing is quick and jumps between two main characters that you’ll find yourself rooting for both.

This film is essentially Aliens in a murderer’s funhouse. Which is a great thing. A phenomenal thing even. The military presence actually provides an opposition to the psycho killer, and the characters actually act like real people; which is to say they have selfish motivations, and don’t act stupid when shit hits the fan. Not to mention the traps inside the funhouse really feel influenced by Saw. You get to see the inner workings, and sometimes see something overly complicated and monstrous  and you can’t quite figure out what it is until… CLICK…. and holy fuck.

You won’t be watching this film for the cinematography, the direction, or really the acting. It’s all about the fun set pieces, and the amazingly inventive kills. Plus the overwhelming amount of gore. This film is one of the goriest I’ve watched in some time. I cannot stress this enough.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Andre Royo as a badass merc with a mohawk. If you loved him as Bubbles in The Wire, you’ll love to watch him die a horrible death in this film.

7 hot wet kisses/11

The love for his other will always go on, but will he survive his own horrors?

A sketch about what happens when a VERY gay fluffer from porn becomes a VERY gay towelboy for a professional sports team. I apologize to each and every person who reads this.

A man who for years toured with Daft Punk, among the other Ed Bang Records guys doing his thing with hard agressive electronic loops. The same agression applies in his filmmaking. Wrong follows a warped narrative of a man who wakes up one day to find his dog missing. He loves his dog more than anything, and as such treks out to find him. What ensues is a mystery so chock full of warped twists and turns that you’ll never be able to predict the outcome of a scene.

The dialogue is perfect and zany. Fractured questions give way to insane interactions between the main character Dolph (Sweet name Lundgren!) and any of the supporting cast. Steve Little in particular really shines as a weird detective entrusted in finding the dog.

The cinematography is beautiful, painting modern suburban life in these bright caricatures, and spinning them. A few upside down scenes, a couple with washed out colors, a few with the sun filling the frame. Strange choices, but stylistically they hold.

William Flitchner, is also just mesmerizing. I’m not even sure how they got him to agree to this role. It seems like its utter insanity. Actually the whole film is utter insanity, leading up to the conclusion which will probably blow your mind. But, don’t think too much about it. Because this is a movie about disappearing trees, mistaken identities, subconscious poop memories, and dog telepathy.

What results is a fresh take on the modern movie mystery, a simple premise hit with so many dire complications. Mixed with some of the best awkward humor money can buy. I haven’t stopped thinking about this film since the moment it ended Saturday afternoon. The soundtrack sticks in my head

But what’s more, the narrative sticks. This is right up there with Eternal Sunshine, Adaptation  and other surrealist modern films. Get into it, and when you’re done check out Rubber. It’s pretty fantastic too.

10 hot wet kisses/11

A story of a man who despite anything wants to be left alone, but who can’t resist the allure and danger of a good story. A stylistic noir, that follows a series of leads where the reader ultimately has to make the choice of what was inherently right or wrong.

The product of a lot of thought and effort  and as such other’s thoughts are very welcomed, positive or negative!

Dream Cast:

Arnold Brubaker : Liam Neeson

Wanda Pope: Jennifer Connelly

Tug Spade: Bruce Willis

Pete Dawn: John Hawkes

Walton: Robert Pattinson

Travis: Jonah Hill

Chet: Jay Baruchel

Adam Burke: Sullivan Stapleton

Nick: Sam Neill

These are roughly the actors I pictured while writing this.

ENJOY.

One man, one gun and all the sound effects his mouth can create.
Does he have what it takes?

Smoke n’ Jamm

THE WETDREAMCATCHER

In reality, if you do read this Mom, I’m so sorry in advance. (Which is something I’ve been thinking of putting on every one of my submissions for this show – we’ll see)

What worked most for me here was the candid representation of mental illnesses, and how commonly they plague people in this day and age. Cooper and Lawrence’s character share a scene early in the film where they reflect on the medications that they have been prescribed with a certain flavour of irony. A modern film about finding your way through a sea of medication to become a better person after a tragedy. A film about how your life doesn’t necessarily have to stop in order to change direction.

Cooper’s character is adamant on returning to his life of old, but in the process of changing in order to reintegrate his journey takes him somewhere new. This movie is a powerful story of empowering yourself, other people, and consuming yourself with positive attitudes.

The cinematography is nothing to write home about, but the performances in this film are astounding. You feel as if you are watching real people, real broken people, who have a lot of learning and a lot of growth in their future. DeNiro as the father is incredible. The scenes focusing on his love of sports, and mild OCD were fantastic. Particularly a late night scene where things get pretty heated DeNiro really shines. Not to mention his one off banter with Cooper. Cooper himself is better than he’s ever been. He is tragic, endearing and infinitely watchable in this film. His constant disillusion surrounding his life, and his aloof but assertive attitude makes him incredible. Whereas Lawrence is just as endearing, she is feisty, broken and determined. She is borderline scary, you know she means well but she is teetering on the edge of breakdown for a lot of her time on screen. She is masterful, and deserved her golden globe tonight if I do say so myself.

And like any great romantic comedy the city of Philadelphia may be the most important character of all. Every part of this film screams Philly and is so engrained in the city’s history and sportsmanship that you feel their sense of pride when you watch.

With this film David O Russell has solidified himself as a master director. This is the best romantic comedy I have seen in years.

Trailer:

9 hot wet kisses/11

The Dregs

The cinematography is nothing to write home about, save for the third act which really embraces a one point lighting setup to really create the noir feeling. Up until this point it really isn’t clear what direction this story may end up in. Yet, the tone and the lighting give it all away.

Performances were solid all around, but nothing overly spectacular. Scarlett is pretty fantastic as the overblown, overly attached, borderline psychopathic girlfriend, but that’s about it.

Catch the trailer here. Although I caution you to refrain from watching it if you can. As with most bad trailers, it gives away A LOT of the plot:

7 hot wet kisses/11

Which is awesome. The relationship founded between the two main characters will truly pull at your heart in ways you can’t imagine. Two reluctant heroes who teach and protect one another. Each needs the other to survive and both aren’t willing to admit it. Both had a lot to learn, and some paid for what they had to learn.

The character of Gus will live on in my head forever. The outcast, the loser, and the reluctant hero/messiah/leader. Gus is a versatile character who knows nothing about the human world. A world that’s actively afraid of him, and one he thirsts to understand. Read as he tastes chocolate bars for the first time, read as he kills a fellow child with his bare hands, read as he loses a friend, read as he accepts his fate, read his unlikely resolution, read his journey, read his change, and read his growth. It’s all there, and its so very awesome. The amount this character grows over the course of this story is remarkable.

On top of the story. The layout and the art is incredible. The entire series is written and drawn by Jeff Lemire. (The Canadian Comic God) Save for three issues painted in water color by someone else. The long rough style has a lot of heart, and creates a very unique world. Lemire’s gift is to show you the same thing several times, but in different states. His use of repetition and his creative paneling also makes Sweet Tooth a visual joy to read.

Again, the series constantly bucked trends. Some issues read like story books, others read like war journals. Take your pick Sweet Tooth has it.

I’m truly sad to see it go, but after 40 excellent issues it stands to be one of the best Vertigo series of all time. (Which is a high honor)

Pick up the first trade: Out of the Deep Woods at your local comic book store. I swear you won’t be disappointed. I promise you’ll be: riveted, moved, and dying for more.

Star Wars 1: Perhaps the biggest release of this week in my mind. Star Wars 1 is a brand new series by Brian Wood. It takes us to a time before Empire, Jedi, Phantom and all the other garbage. A magical time before the clone wars were anything more than a piece of throwaway dialogue. So we find ourselves picking up with the rebellion after it’s victory blowing up the Death Star at the end of New Hope. Anything is possible here, and that’s all the fun. Luke is not a Jedi. Leia flies an x-wing. Darth Vader has yet to reveal his true identity. This series has a TON of promise, and will only serve to get better. Plus we’ve got new Star Wars films on the way. So if they suck we’ll still have this.

Thor God of Thunder 4: Thor God of Thunder is a unique piece of storytelling. We get to see Thor in three different parts of his life fighting the same villain. The series embraces mythology hard, and explores the ideas of many sets of Gods. It’s a fantastic new series that really has amped up my interest in Thor. I mean he is still a god, so he’s naturally unrelatable but right now the plot is enough to keep me hooked. Plus, the way this issue ends only promises something amazing.

The Superior Spiderman 1: Where to start? If you don’t know how The Amazing Spiderman ended its landmark run this holiday season then perhaps don’t read on. If you don’t care or want to know: Peter Parker and Doc Ock switched consciousness and bodies. Which is to say Peter Parker on the outside Doc Ock with Peter’s memories on the inside. Supposed to be amazing, supposed to be shocking, but, what results is a lackluster unlikeable version of Peter Parker who now makes your skin crawl for being really into Mary Jane. The tech that will rise out of this will truly be interesting, but the direction of making a Batman/Spiderman hybrid may be a misstep. Also the last panel really got in my head. If Peter Parker comes back in any way shape or form, or this is quickly resolved I’ll be truly upset. Miles Morales in 616 y’all. Make it happen, much more interesting things happening in ultimate spiderman.

Sweet Tooth 40 gets its own post. Because… it’s Sweet Tooth.

Swamp Thing 16: Scott Synder’s run is about to come to an end here soon. Yet, this final assault on the rot is gearing up to be incredible. Synder puts Gotham to good use and gives us a great Batman tie in, which frankly I was expecting to be worse. Synder knows storytelling. His approach to Rotworld has thus far been masterful, and his more intimate story with Alec really resonates here. Plus the final pages mean we’re in for something really special. Double Plus! Rot-Superman! Fuck Yeah.

Here is the second crack at The Dregs. The first act is completed, and now we head into the second. If you were one of the few who read what I posted last time, forget that and read this. Everything that I had originally written has been reworked (thanks to a lot of planning and development on my characters.)

Hopefully someone is reading this, and if you have feedback regarding it: I’d love to have it.

5 hot wet kisses/11

Killer Joe will change the way you look at Fried Chicken for the rest of your life. William Friedkin’s new movie that comes from the playwrite Tracy Letts. If you are looking for a great contemporary Noir film look no further. This is the southern tale of bumbling fools trying to collect off of someone’s death. McConaughey is simply amazing, his character is ruthless, reserved, and borderline insane. This is the best you’ve seen him since Tropic Thunder (Really) Emile Hirsch plays the main character. A southern piece of shit who finds himself so deep in monetary trouble he hires Killer Joe to kill his mother so he can collect the insurance premium. A little bit of Double Indemnity mixed in for good measure. Only thing is being a poor southern idiot: Hirsch has got no cash. Killer Joe requires a premium. Which is the most chilling part of the story. McConaughey’s pursuit of his premium provides most of the drive for the story. Plus it allows him to come off creepier than we’ve ever seen him. Then the convention of the femme fatale is embodied in a new an exciting way. I kept having my mind blown by how typical noir conventions work into this film in brand new ways. Very interesting. The cinematography is pretty great too. The low lighting evokes a feeling of constant crappy fluorescent lighting which gives the scenes a cheap and trailer park feel. This film is dark, scary, and new. The same thing only different. And it rocks. Two scenes to watch out for: The chicken wing, and the dress. Those two will make you believe McConaughey suffered from temporary insanity while filming this, and the only cure to get that chilling performance out of your head is to stare into his shirtless chest for fifteen minutes. Worked for me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

9 hot west kisses/11

The Dregs

To be clear. It’s my frist crack at it, not my first and not my last but my frist. Get it? Neither do I.

Before I begin I must admit I’m biased surrounding horror films. I’m going to like them more than you, and I love the elements that compose them even more. Yet, Phenomena is a film that begs to be watched. The eighties were a horror heyday, and in Italy Dario Argento was killing it. He and the band Goblin score these amazing Italian horror movies that have amazing supernatural stories while having rocking soundtracks.

Phenomena is Argento’s most personal film based off a recurring dream he had throughout his life. The film deals with a young girl at a boarding school who deals with the supernatural elements of her life while trying to find a killer. Jennifer Connolly leads the movie and she rocks. She already had some fun with Labyrinth before this movie, and now she’s at it again. Plus she has the help of Doctor Loomis from (all of the) Halloween(s). Combine an amazing soundtrack with beautiful macros of small insects,  a story that is both interesting and supernatural (rarity) and a different sort of horror than what was happening in America at the time and you have a horror masterpiece. Really get into Dario Argento. He doesn’t fail to disappoint. The story will leave you wanting more, and the weird plot device on controlling and speaking to insects will make you fall in love. Plus it’s cool to see something so radically different when horror was falling hard into the slasher genre.

If you’re like me the soundtrack will stick in your head for the remainder of your life. With the exception of that damn Iron Maiden scene, it’s exceptionally awful. But! All the Goblin stuff is pure ecstasy.

9 hot wet kisses/11.

John Dies at the End is the new adaptation of David Wong’s book. Directed by the old dude who made phantasm, and bubba ho-tep you’d think this movie would be a slam dunk. It serves to mention this story exists as a novel (written by the editor of cracked.com) Now while the story is amazing and extremely interesting, the actors are unfortunately devoid of any charisma or ability. All phenomenal films are founded upon deep realistic characters in crazy situations. The situation our characters find themselves in deals with time travel, alternate dimensions  attacking mustaches, and meat monsters. The sad reality is that everything in between the crazy set pieces is lackluster world building, and character development. From a visual standpoint the film is a practical effects wonder in a world devoid of practical effects. There are a few moments of great horrific comedy but for the most part I spent the film waiting for something bigger or better to happen. The film relies heavily on voiceover as well, which tends to cheapen the story, and make the world easier to explain. Yet, show me how the world works, don’t just give me an inner monologue that does it for me. I digress. The film is fun and interesting but one would imagine a much better novel. In times like these read the book, forget the movie. Only the most horror enthusiastic viewers will find something to love here.

I give it 6 hot wet kisses/out of 11.

When a city runs wild, who will stand up in the fight against the corrupt? Only one man has the power to stop it. He is… The Stache!

Lately I’ve had the pleasure of working with a handful of new creative people, not that they’re young or anything, well some of them are. What I mean to say is they’re new to me, but either way what I’m getting at is, I’ve been working on some new short films!

While working on these new films, I also managed to take some promotional photos, the final versions are on Facebook, but here I think it would be best to show off my process, so here are some before and after pictures! (Pictures after the jump!)

This first one here was for Santiago León’s new short film at Vancouver Film School entitled; “Lazybot: The Ultimate Couch Surfer”. (2012)

“Lazybot: The Ultimate Couch Surfer” (2012) A Santiago León Film.

This one here was for Torin Chamber’s new short film at Vancouver Film School entitled; “I AM WHO I AM: but not who I want to be” (2012)

“I AM WHO I AM: but not who I want to be” (2012) A Torin Chambers Film.

And this final image is for Chris Cowden’s new short film at Vancouver Film School entitled “Les 372 Jours” (2012)

“Les 372 Jours” (2012) A Chris Cowden Film.

Be sure to check out the High Resolution images.

Mind Game

My name is Thomas Emann, I’ve been making content on my website Antiwork.ca for as long as I can remember. Everything I’ve made up to this point is NOTHING compared to how much work that I have put into this new project. My past experience coupled with my knowledge from Vancouver Film School has brought me to this point, this will be my Final Project for VFS.

I went back home to visit a friend, this is what happened.

I was tasked to come up with an idea for a Final art piece for my final drawing class, this is the video game inspired project that I came up with.

The work was inspired from the original work The March of Progress, 1965 by Rudolph Zallinger that was published in the book Early Man, 1965, that depicted an ape slowly evolving into a human.

“The original March of Progress illustration from Early Man (1965) with spread extended (top) and folded (bottom)” – Wikipedia

I decided to take the concept and apply it onto something that has evolved, not only visibly, but also in a single person’s lifetime. I wanted to represent a generation of technology and specifically the digital gaming revolution, so who better than Nintendo? Nintendo is a gaming company that has survived through a major chunk of gaming history and they have always been on the forefront of new ways to interact with games.

For this project we could pick to create a website for either an event or a tv show, within these choices we could pick  something that already exists and change it or come up with a completely new idea. So I picked one of my favourite animated series “Archer” on the FX network and changed the name to Sterling.

I know I said this would just be the final buuuut I wanted to show my work so….

Here are some links to skip around, you know, in case you hate scrolling and only want to see the finished product. Also any pictures you want to see bigger just click on them to enlarge them.

Assignment One
Assignment Two
Assignment Three
Assignment Four
Final Product

The First Assignment we did was to; look at our schools moodle website (which has now actually has been changed) and find a minimum of three design flaws with the website and then show in a presentation how we would fit it.

Check out my presentation below.

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You’ll notice in my presentation, I decided to go for a minimalistic look and feel, but with the addition of the red text every time new and important information was shown. Over all I try to make my slides as more of just a back up for what I am actually saying, overall the presentation went well.

The Second Assignment was to create a project description and two persona’s of people who could potentially be interacting with our website.

First here is my Project Description.

My project will be a website for a TV show; the show will be called ‘Sterling’ which will be an animated show about a secret agent working for an intelligence agency in the United States. The spy, Sterling will have to use his skills as a suave master spy to stop global espionage, while at the same time he is only interested in a non-stop party lifestyle full of sex, alcohol, fast cars and any other kind of thrill he can get his hands on. The show in my project will be based off of ‘Archer’ a TV show on the fx network.

Second here are my two personas.

Name: Jake Sunbow
Age: 23
Relationship: Single
Education: Currently in college
Occupation: Student
Income: Student loans
Hobbies: Reading, Camping, Jet Skiing
End Goal: Find the latest episode
Experience Goal: Simple design that easily leads to the latest episode
Backstory: Jake is a student that enjoys watching the latest episodes of his favourite shows but with his busy college schedule he often can’t find the time to actually sit down and watch them on cable, so when he found out he could watch all his favourite shows online the same day he was overjoyed and instantly cancelled his cable provider. He doesn’t know much about computers so he enjoys simplicity in the websites that he frequents. He spends most his time doing school work, reading and in his off time he camps at the lake with all of his college friends where they often jet ski.

Name: Kelsi Kalup
Age: 24
Relationship: Serious relationship
Education: Business management
Occupation: Manager at telecom
Income: +80,000
Hobbies:  Hard core gaming, coding, website building
End Goal: connect with other viewers of the show, have discussions about show analysis
Experience Goal: Interesting website that draws her in and makes her want to come back, hidden Easter eggs
Backstory: Kelsi from a young age always enjoyed electronics as a child she got into building amateur websites, so poorly coded websites frustrate her. She likes things that are different and interesting, but still have a purpose, she also likes to be able to connect with people and build a network of friends. She hates clutter and loves order, having a management position doesn’t leave her a lot of time for surfing the web so websites with a clear purpose are the best option. Any time that something she loves is turned into a game she will play it, no matter what…

The Third Assignment was to first create a site map, which is used to plan where you are putting content and how each page is housed on the website. One thing I completely forgot to do and I thought I had was to make a legend, even just a simple one explaining the different levels of pages, but I am sure most people will be able to follow the colours I implemented.

With the planning of the pages done, I moved on to designing the wireframes or ‘Maps’ of each page, these are intended to plan out all the content without having to worry about the look of the website. Here is the home page.

And here is the sub-page wireframe I decided to design.

The Fourth Assignment was to create two completely different mood boards for your websites design. Here is my first one, for this one I just focused on the mood that the show currently has.

For the second mood board I tried a different approach.

And here is the Final Result. The Home Page. Click Here for a HD version.

The Sub-Page. Click Here for a HD version.

Mario is a little confused about where he is and all he wants to do is go home.
Everything is made by hand then edited in After Effects for a project at Vancouver Film School (VFS)

Make sure to comment! Especially if you have questions!

ENJOY!

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So that’s awesome news, in strange news, The Teen from College Freshman meme (See Sample meme ,via Quickmeme) has appeared in the paper, but this time, as a senior.

Once the picture (Left) hit Reddit, almost immediately after, a new meme had started. (Bottom,via Quickmeme) This all happened 5 hours ago…

My Art & Creativity term 3 final, first I should explain the assignment, which is best done on the schools student resource website, so, quote it is:

“The work must creatively interpret and articulate defining characteristics from
one of the following areas of study this term in both FORM & CONTENT:
Futurism, Constructivism, Dada, Surrealism, Pop Art, Conceptual Art and Post-Modern Art.”

So for my project I decided to go after the movements I really thought we’re interesting and yet also ridiculous. This train of thought lead me to Dada and Pop Art, I chose Dada because I was interested by the artists idea of challenging; what art is, what people accept as art, who makes the rules and where we draw the line.  I chose Pop Art because I love the idea of using ready-made objects, disposable objects and iconic imagery that everyone can connect with.That’s when I realised that the assignment was to accurately display knowledge of a single movement, through process and content, so through the combination of the two movements my piece became post-modern. To the right is an example of a famous Dada work, click it for more information. [image via Artlex]

On to my first attempt, I really wanted to take something in my life that was a huge ionic image that everyone knows and push it in everyone faces! I wanted to have something small and seemingly insignificant and make it a size that more represents its social and economical presence. I found myself drawn to the idea of a brand like Pepsi, something that is worldwide and everyone knows about it. My first thought was to actually take the Pepsi cans and recreate a company logo with them, possibly; Costco or Safeway.

This picture [Weburbanist] shows the first idea I was considering pursuing, though in this example they didn’t use the cans themselves but the containers holding the cans to create their image.

After some deliberation I realised the scope of that project was unattainable given my other projects on the go as well as my current time restraints. So I moved on but not completely, I took the idea of the Pepsi can and logo, and simply focused it. I wanted to create one singular giant Pepsi can.

“WHAT A GREAT IDEA”, I thought to myself. Ugh, ideas are awesome, but building that idea is what really counts. So here are some pictures of this attempt before I completely gave up on the giant Pepsi can.

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Finally I thought, there has to be a better way! It was then I walked away from the project, sat at my computer and began to ‘Think’, it’s usually a process of taking my mind off of the project, because it always seems that when to try to not think about a project that’s when you come up with the best ideas for it.

I realized my solution, my goal was suddenly in my grasp, I knew what I had to do. I took the idea of global brands that we all know and love, and showed them for what they really are. I wanted to create a metonymic example of two major brands and their rivalries, along with a bit of a comment on modern-day racism and overall violent crime. This idea lead me straight back to my first thoughts involving; the everyday, assemblage and Pepsi, but this time Coca-Cola was invited.

Here are the final results of this project.

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Now for those of you that haven’t seen Workaholics, you really should watch the show. (Then you can be cool and know why this video is funny/awesome)

Wizard Rap

[via Facebook]

Also a classmate posted a link to this remix, I’ve got to say, it’s been on repeat for me ever since.

[Link]

Anyway here are a couple things I’ve done for school in the past little while;

My latest motion assignment,

[Link]

A cool x-ray effect done in class,

[Link]

A new motion assignment,

[Link]

My Final version of an old motion assignment.

[Link]

…then again maybe I should just be shut-up and ride the damn train!

A starving college student in modern-day Vancouver, deals with a strange man who continually appears to him. Unable to sleep or pay his bills he struggles to keep from being kicked out of his school or worse, his apartment

A college pool party hosted by a freshmen as an attempt to become popular is interrupted when realize they are being watched by something. The group attempts to find out what it is and most importantly stay alive.

As teenager deals with the death of his father, he starts to dig into his fathers past. When he realizes that his father may not be the man he always seemed to be, his whole life starts to turn upside down.

I made Ironman a bit bigger this time, seemed to fit the frame a bit better.

But I always try to find time to work on a few side projects, though I have some school projects that definitely have their own merit and I will be posting them.

As well I’m planning on updating the pictures to have all of my school projects, and a few of my own.

The Kanye West & Jay Z video will probably take back burner for now, I have downloaded a bunch of other people’s footage from YouTube from the same songs on the same day in Vancouver, so it will work well with my footage.

I really want the video to have a crowd feel, like all the footage is connected to each person that was there and all the footage shows a different persons story from the concert.

But as I said that’s a back burner project for now.

A school project I’m working on now is a basic animation in after effects, which for my experience level with after effects is a joke. So I decided to challenge myself a bit and really try to make it something I will be proud of. So far I have a picture I took off my balcony (animated so the clouds move) then I drew Ironman, scanned it, live traced it, colored it. Then I decided it would be more realistic of he had some smoke coming from him, so I took a cloud image and altered it into a smoke trail. The last thing I have done to it so far is; I added some words for him to crash though, they are meant to be as if Ironman is the one saying them.

Soooo when that’s done I’ll post it!

More than likely it’s a combination of all of these things that make the experience, or maybe it’s simply the people you came with. It seems, what ever the reason, Jay-Z and Kanye West created an unforgettable experience that would be hard for any performer to follow.

And guess what? Alyssa & Myself took some video, so naturally I’m going to edit it into a spectacular display. BUTTT it is Christmas, so I might be lazy. You’ll see it soon.

Once my music was paused it was clear to me what it was, a man, singing. Now,  I thought ok no problem just a crazy guy singing his heart out, so I turned my music back on… Then he started to walk from person to person in our near empty train car, which reminded me of an unpleasant experience on a German train. (A drunk couple of guys were harassing myself, Alyssa and a local high school trip with a couple of teachers) So I decided to pause my music again to really get a taste of the action! He was attempting to get each person in the train car to give him either a fist bump, or a strange handshake, most likely one of his own invention.

The crackhead reminded me of this guy.

Once he finished with that, he sat down next to the a girl in front of me and proceeded to ask her “Hey, are you black? are you?” She, looking less than amused by him and his antics replied with a simple “ya”. He then went on to ask her, with an increasing giddiness in his voice, “Well do you smoke crack then?” You can only imagine the look on her face when she looked over and told him no. He didn’t understand why she wouldn’t “Well why not? I smoke crack everyday! Well and I fight everyday” He opened his mouth to show her his broken teeth from fighting, “Check it out some guy the other day smashed my face up, but don’t worry, I broke his kneecap.” So at this point I was mildly, lets say shaken, by this strange man.

She stood up and walked over to the door, he followed, and told her to say hello to her ‘Old man’. Once she walked off he continued to yell after her, saying “I’ll kill em all, for you baby. If that’s what you want” The door shut and we kept going, he continued to mummer “kill ‘em all” then he started to practice his ‘Karate’ punching the air vigorously, and yelling “WAAAAAHHH” “CHEEEAAAHH”

A few stops later, we had some fresh meat on the train to keep him occupied, trying to get more handshakes and fist bumps, then he finally realized that he had a giant trail of snot running from his nose to about his waist. So he grabbed some newspaper off the ground, set it in his lap and blew he nose as hard as he could. Snot was everywhere….

Finally after harassing a few more people, and after being told to sit down, he told everyone “Don’t worry I am getting off here anyway, I need more room to stretch out, I’m going to go believe what I believe, I am going to create, my beliefs are what I believe, you know.” And with that truly confusing sentence complete, he was gone.

After he left I felt like I needed to congratulate everyone on the train car for making it through.

Oh, p.s. tomorrow is the end of my second term, YEAH!!!

Where are you going to be for Christmas?

Well after, frankly little to no deliberation, I decided the best course of action was to upload it to the Facebook page.

So if you have liked the page already you should already know about the first video, but if you haven’t already liked the page, you should head on over to Facebook and like our page!

And remember to keep watching, you never know when something might turn up…

Facebook Link Here & at the top of the page.

At first you think “oh, ok there’s homeless people everywhere” You keep walking, looking straight forward the entire time. Then after enough time you start to get curious, you glance over here and there, checking out what they are up to. You start to read the signs they put up, overhear brief parts of the stories they tell to strangers. But you never get too close because after all, they are still desperate people who need to do what they have to, to survive.

Now the worst thing you can do is assume the crazy people are the same as the homeless people, while most times it seems like there is a direct correlation between crazy and homeless, but the city is a strange place. In the city it seems like if you interact with a stranger more than likely they will be slightly to moderately insane.

Lastly I would like to say, if you claim you enjoy riding a metro or some kind of transit every day, then you are a liar and you really need to stop lying to yourself. Because really at its best moment its bearable, and those are the rare times when; it pulls up right when you get there, it’s empty, you have something to distract you from the journey, it isn’t noisy, it doesn’t smell and your seat is comfortable. Ok really what I am trying to say is it sucks, always, because all those things will never happen, especially all at the same time. At the same time…. traffic sucks, so maybe its worth riding all the way to school, everyday, pushed up against a stranger….. maybe.

Ps. Two big things; battlefield 3 is out and amazing, and I am now in my second term at VFS!

   The unedited interview

 for the autobiography of Felix Ungar

By

Thomas Emann FD51

Hello, yes, ok I’m here. I’m still not very sure about why I’m here, but I am.

So what do you want me to do? Just talk about my life… ok well, first of all I have no idea why on earth you want to hear about my life, I mean I write for living and not anything fancy either. I write the news for television, you know the stuff that people watch when their bored. My life…. Of all people, you must be reaching for a something to write about. *Cough* You will have to excuse me, I think I must be coming down with something. I have had this strange tickling in the back of my throat, and a pain in my jaw, just started the other day… I told my wife, I said I’m coming down with something! I told her that just this morning, she told me it was nothing, but I’m not so sure.

Where to start… I mean I have a hundred or more stories I could tell you, but I’m not sure which one will bore you the least. Well, I could tell you about my family? Yes, my family, well they are just amazing. Two kids, ahh they are just the light of my life and my wife, Frances, she is just amazing. The apartment we have together! Ah, it’s a thing of beauty, it’s really something to see. Well maybe not, I think the floors might be a bit dirty.. Did I remember to clean the windows this morning.. I’ll have to do that when I get home, well but then I wont have time to make dinner. Well, it might be something to see after I give it a scrubbing! On second thought it might not be anything special, I mean I would love it if it was… but it really isn’t. See and here I go boring you half to death!

*Cough* There it is again! Its getting worse too, I think on the way home I’ll stop at the pharmacy. Phil works there, he always knows what I need to set myself right. Maybe I should phone ahead… Sorry, what did you want me to talk about? My work, ok, well like I said I write for the news. I just get the details and put them on paper, that easy! I’m sure someone better will come along someday… But until then I keep my job!

Oh, that’s it for today.. Ok well I’ll see you.

(Two Weeks Later)

*Door Slams*

Well, how did it come to this? How did it get this way? Hmm I just don’t know anymore. She’s gone, she’s gone and she’s not coming back… My wife, my apartment and my kids, gone just like that. Once I had everything, now, now I’ve got nothing. Why? Why… I don’t know, maybe I didn’t keep the apartment clean enough? I tried… I could have tried harder! I know I could have. Maybe it was the cooking? She liked my cooking! That’s it! that’s.. it… I cooked better than her, she hated that fact it was better… What’s left for me now? Hmm, I guess, kill myself? Isn’t that the thing to do? Well what does it matter, she’s gone, I might as well go too.

At VFS I have handed in assignments like my; color wheel, Alphabet pictures (See Below) and Performed my memorized mini monologue. I Have also been assigned new things like; a 2 point 1 point drawing (Below), more painted color scales (Below), a squares assignment, and much more. I will try to keep up with taking pictures of the things I am working on, and just blogging in general, but we will see….

Here are my pictures for my ABC’s assignment, pretty self explanatory. Let me know what your favorites are, you know providing you like any.

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Here is my 1pt. & 2pt. drawing.

& my painted color scales

Oh and this is another color theory project!

First I am going to tell you about Thursday, we had life drawing in the morning. What happened there is, I was partnered with Davis together we drew a half drawing then swapped them to each other. Which one do you think is better/Funnier?

Once we finished with that, we moved on to drawing each other without looking at the paper, and drawing each other with looking at the paper. Both of these drawings were interesting, Davis & Myself both looked like scribbles with double sets of eyes and arms in the first drawing. The second one I ended up looked like I was from planet of the apes, and he looked like an old man.

In the afternoon we moved on to Acting, it was an hour of yoga, then we played some fun improvisation games. The improv is where I really had a chance to shine, with that done we were assigned our homework, to memorize a monologue to perform for next weeks class! I am definitely nervous for that.

Then on friday….. I woke up… sick, rode the skytrain… sick and half slept my way through Art & Creativity, which sucks because we were assigned a group project that I’m not really sure what to do on…. So the first class was a wash, but at least the project isn’t due any time soon, so that’s good.

The next class, after a painful lunch where I attempted to drink some five alive (OUCH), was called Len-Based Media. That is exactly what it sounds like, CAMERAS, we played with them, and learn about their functions. Then we were assigned our project of taking pictures of things that look like letters, due for next week.

After school I crawled onto the skytrain, and once home slumped myself into bed…

After the long weekend of resting, vitamins and medicine, I feel a little better! Oh and I managed to take most, if not all of my letter pictures! I’ll post it when it’s done!

ANYWAY, This is day three of VFS, I got my very first assignment and boy is it ever a goooood one. First though we went to a lecture on copyrights, good stuff to know, but not for three hours and not at nine in the morning. So that took place at a different campus so after it was over myself, Davis and Alex went for lunch and walked back. We managed to find a place that sells two pizza slices and a pop for three fifty!! So that was a sweet student price, that we definitely took advantage of.

After lunch we had Color Theory, which was interesting, a bit of review from high school art, but it was the first day and it is an intro course. It was about things like; Warm and cool colors, complementary colors, primary colors, secondary colors, tertiary colors, etc. Then we went on to paint swatches of colors that make up a color wheel using water based primary colors. Then once they dried, class was over so I took them home to assemble my color wheel, check it out! (Pictures Below)

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Now I grabbed a paper this morning and I had just finished reading about the finial decision to axe the hst (YAYAYAY), it was at that point I started to realize that the liquid seemed to be slowly making its way towards me. I was NOT pleased with the idea of this foreign liquid getting all over me so, I put my paper on it to soak it up. “ah” I thought “That’s all taken care of” the great thing about that was watching people go to sit, and then realize it was wet and walk away. Then one woman looked at it, moved the paper slightly, and sat RIGHT IN IT! Now your thinking why didn’t I say something, I went to, and she just sat right in the random wetness completely knowingly. And NO she didn’t look like a crazy homeless person, she was in dress clothes….. Weird, I mean they are probably dry clean only, so why, why would she do this… I guess I will never know.

Oh, and I had day two at VFS and it was all about team building. Now I thought that would mean trust falls and other random nonsense, but it really meant six hours of talking about teams, conflict, being positive, working hard, and being nice…. Seriously, no joke. But in reality it was actually really good, and helpful. It definitely helped to put a positive spin on all the things I am not looking forward to at VFS.

While everyone started to come in and find their names, people around each table started to chat, I was sitting next to a fellow named Alex. We introduced ourselves and talked about general things. Then our program manager talked about what to expect and gave us our backpacks, with all our supplies. After we made sure we had all the supplies (Sketchbook, drawing pad, animation paper, pencils, erasers, paint brush, palette, usb stick, water bottle and an umbrella) we then walked through a tour of our campus.

Then we had a two-hour lunch, which is not usual but we finished early. After lunch we had a tech orientation, then our Digital Essentials class. That was…… dull… we went through alot of the tech stuff AGAIN but in slower and greater detail, then we talked about the course outline. The course seems to consist of file and data management, which if you know me, you know I am very organized on my computer and server so for the most part this course will be redundant. But it seems like, to the end of Digital Essentials there should be some learning with a few of the Adobe suite programs.

Then when class was out I invited Alex to come check out my place, since I had already seen his, and Alyssa was at home. The funny thing was that of all days, today the skytrain had some issues, meaning? We had to walk to a different train, ride it to a different place, walk some more, grab a bus, then ride the skytrain again to my place. All in all it took 2 hours instead of the usual forty minute skytrain ride. But we made it, and apparently his ride home was much quicker.

In our month of being here in Van we have done lots of cool things but by far one of the coolest was, watching Daniel Tosh of Tosh.0 do stand up. This was made even better by the fact that we had second row seats and he brought his dogs out on stage!!

Also I went to my first Vancouver Film School (VFS) interaction, Basically I went to orientation, which was; Student loan paperwork, new student packages, and some presentations about what to expect from the year. The student loan stuff was easy: sign here, here and here. Next was the new student packages, included was student handbook, and some papers to fill out. The papers were just basic contact information, allergies, etc. pretty basic stuff so far. Then they had us all go into the theater as the orientation was at Scotiatheater, once inside they wowed us with videos about the crazy intensity of our year, and the amazing results of the people though the school. They also touched on a few of the key concepts of the school, like the idea that we will all learn to master our crafts and we will learn to market as well as brand ourselves. It sometimes felt like they were still trying to sell the school to people but I think that was also because some people had brought their parents, and tons of people have come from all across the globe, with high expectations.

Then we filed out to meet in groups for our different programs, mine is Foundation Visual Art & Design (Class FD51). Once in the group we talked about what to expect on our first day and introduced ourselves, that done we again filed upstairs to take pictures for our student ID’s. Afterward there was a vendor fair for people that needed; housing, internet, vehicles, etc.

Then I took the skytrain home, and waited for the first day!

1. Our beds.

This one is definitely up there for me, but I know it was the number one thing Alyssa missed. I know it was number one because I’m fairly certain it was mentioned to me at very least once a day! Firstly we missed our bed very basically because it was comfortable, in Europe some of the beds were quite like army cots. I think every time we even thought about climbing into the beds we both groaned a bit, just because we knew it was going to be; uncomfortable, hot, and some times a bit itchy. We also knew we were going to wake up with the sorest backs and necks we have ever had. But going past the obvious uncomfortable issues with the beds, it was also a fact that the beds reminded us we weren’t any were near home, they were a symbol of the foreign nature of our trip.

2. The food.

I’m not sure how many times we ate bread and butter, in Poland. I started to become accustom to the feeling of constant hunger, just because I couldn’t eat bread every day for every meal, I just couldn’t.
Once outside of Poland it was a bit better, I mean we were in europe! So many places famous for their food! but when you’re a traveler on a budget… You end up not exactly eating the fine dining of Europe.

3. The language.

This one has a tendency of walking hand in hand with number two: the food, what I mean is when you want to order some food in a language you don’t understand, things get complicated. Some times we had to resort to pointing at random things on the menu, or playing a round of charades.

The language also made other tasks difficult such as; buying groceries, asking for directions, riding trains, etc. It doesn’t sound like much, but this was us: lost with no food and no one can help us.
Suddenly that sounds a lot worse.

4. The people.

Knowing in that in Canada we have people who care about us, want to help us, and want to be around us is a good thing. But in Europe we sometimes had the feeling that it was us together against everyone else, it was the feeling that there was someone trying to con you or rob you or some times just wanted nothing to do with you.

5. A home.

Lastly we missed just having a place to call home, we were constantly living out of a bag. Hoping that the next place will have a place to wash our clothes, and that we will have the time and money to wash them. We found ourselves floating from place to place, forgetting the days and where we were yesterday. The stresses of lugging our luggage along to places that we didn’t have the slightest idea of where they were, could be intense some times.

With the trip complete and us back in Canada with all the things we missed, I can tell you that even though some things are rough in Europe for us English-speaking Canadians, the things we saw and experienced in Europe made the entire trip very much worth it.

We have officially made it back to Poland safe and sound. This last week we had an amazing time in Paris and Berlin, although we did not have enough time in Berlin . . again, the entire trip was amazing and the experience of a life time. We saw and experienced things we never thought we would, but you will hear more about that when we get home
Even though we enjoyed travelling and just floating around for a while, it is nice to be back to a place to call ” home “. We are very thankful to be done with trains for a while, done while lugging around luggage and most of all, to have CLEAN CLOTHES!! WOOHOO!! Anyways, time to get some food in our bellys.

This was our last day in Amsterdam, we were very much enjoying our selves for the entirety of the stay. The last day was no exception, until about midnight… It was at that point, while I was preparing the laptop to watch one of our tv shows, I realized something. We still hadn’t booked our next hostel, which men’t we didn’t know where we were sleeping, or even where we were going.

At that point I looked at Alyssa and said, “We haven’t booked our next hostel have we?” she looked at me and replied. “… no I guess not” at this point, I started to go into panic mode. I  once again looked at her, but with more panic in my voice I asked, “So what are we doing tomorrow?” She, starting to enter her own state of shock, answered with an air of strained confidence, “We will get up, have breakfast, and get on a train.” “A train to where?” I questioned. “Paris” She replied frankly.

We continued to have our own versions of mini panic attacks until, we decided on a hostel, and booked it.

Day Two – May 26/11

We awoke early to eat our breakfast, pack, and shower. The first two went off without a hitch, then the water stopped working. So showerless, we continued to figure out our train and hostel arrangements. Once that was completed, with the water slightly running again, but not enough to shower, Alyssa helped me wash my hair in the sink of the bathroom. This was just enough to make me feel not completely fifthly. With that out of the way we piled into the shuttle from our hostel, now usually it takes a very straight forward ride that takes about 10-15 minutes to the train. This ride however was a little less straight forward, with a 10 minute detour, that no one was told about. It was apparently to drop off some friend of the driver, normally we wouldn’t mind, but the trains aren’t on our schedule.

Still we arrived with enough time to make it to our train, got aboard with minimal hassle. (Unlike our train to Amsterdam where we had to sit on the floor, crammed in the bike storage for a decent portion of the trip.) The train was a nice smooth ride, until Rotterdam. Which is where we made our switch, to head to Paris. Once we arrived in Rotterdam we quickly found our train, once we did I waited with the luggage, (After hauling it up and down huge flights of stairs.) While Alyssa got us some food to eat! Unfortunately whilst I waited, I noticed a board that told me, our train had mandatory reservations. This mean’t you need to book your seat ahead of time, which was not what we were use to, as we had Europasses. Once Alyssa was back with the food, I explained what I had found.

We thought, “ok no problem lets go book seats” so back down the stairs and up the others, hauling the luggage with us. Now with the Europasses we aren’t suppose to pay for our tickets, but unless we wanted to wait all weekend in Rotterdam with out a place to stay, we had to pay. This was due to the fact that, unknown to us, all of the trains have a limited amount of Europass seating. Now about an hour and two hundred euros later, we walked out of the ticket purchasing area to catch the next train.

“Finally in Paris” I thought, “So close to a shower, and bed”  Wrong… Once off our train we head down to the metro. Two stops and a pound of sweat later, we walked into the sunlight, “YAY” Just the walking part left. We followed the directions, until we were very confused and lost. So we did what we always do in these situations, asked strangers. The first gave us a cold and quick “NO” probably thinking that we were trying to scam her for money. The next person Alyssa found, she was an older lady, sitting in the window and smiled as we walked up. So we pounced, because a friendly smile was the best we had seen in a while. The lady took our paper inside, then suddenly appeared at a side door, gesturing for us to come in. We came inside, and I stood smiling and nodding, whilst Alyssa, the lady and her husband all talked in French. Then Alyssa asked if they could possibly call us a cab, they rejected. But they offered an unexpected alternative, she said “*No, No I will drive you there*” So we got in, her as she called it “Old but does the job car” and drove.

Then before you know it we were taking a hot shower and climbing into bed…

Day Three – 27/11

We woke up, got ready and realized, yes we are in Paris, but what does one do exactly in Paris. So we used the famous Google machine, and found a few things. We ate at a cafe, then took a boat ride on The River Seine, that took us around the main buildings and attractions of Paris. With that done we walked to the Eiffel Tower, while walking to the tower we ran into a man that was selling souvenirs on the street. Alyssa wanted a tower but they were asking for 20 euro for the bigger one and we told them we only had 5. So he dropped one of the larger once down for us, and compared to the prices for the same thing in gift shops we have seen, it was a sweet deal. (Especially because Alyssa made him throw in 3 key chains too.)

A little closer to the tower, we witnessed a bunch of street peddlers, (like the one we bought our tower off of) be chased off by Police, it was definitely quite a sight. Then under the tower, a man came up to us and gave Alyssa a rose, she asked “How much?” as we are on a tight budget. The man didn’t say anything, and so we walked forward, he followed and came up to me and started asking for euros. Alyssa said to him “We don’t want it, if it costs” The man pushed her hand away and said “No, no you keep” and looked again at me and asked for euros. So after a bit of back and forth, Alyssa finally put the rose on the ground, and we walked away from him.

Now onto my favorite part!

On the other side of the tower there is a garden of sorts, so we decided to take a walk though it. Another man walked up to me, held out his fist for a “Fist Bump” and said “Peace and love” so wanting to a have peaceful walk, I gave him the bump. He then went to Alyssa, and took out some string and said, hold out your finger. Basically what happened next is salesmanship I have never seen before, the man and his friend made us bracelets on our hands, while talking to us, about “where we are from, what we are doing, and of course, peace and love.” Once done, we payed them the euros they scammed there way into, and walked to the metro. Of course before we got to the metro we managed to run into the rose man again, this time though once he realized who we were, he steered clear of us.

Just another quick post to let everyone know where we are!!
After exploring beautiful Prague for 5 days (Pretty much straight out of a fairytale), We spent 6 nights in Amstesrdam relaxing at our hostel by the lake. It was such a great week, we had lots of time to check out all the aspects of Amsterdam (Canal tours, Garden tours, bike rides etc.) but also catch up on some much needed RELAX TIME!!

We are heading to the train station in about 15 minutes to catch our next train to Paris!!! Paris so far, is a bit of a mess because we have a hostel booked for the first 2 nights and from there need to find a place to stay for the rest of our paris trip. We have some good tours set up and a museum pass that will hopefully get some good use. We are also planning on taking a day to visit DISNEY LAND!!!

After Paris we are thinking we will spend 1 or 2 more nights in Berlin, there are a couple of sights we did not have a chance to check out. And then after that, back to Poland until we are ready to come home to Canada!!
The internet in most hostel’s is not very reliable, so apologies for the lack of posts!!!

Just a quick post to let everyone know that we have successfully arrived in Prague. We had a wonderful stay and visit in Holesov with my friend Eva, her family and friends. We will be in Prague for 4 nights, not entirely sure what we will do with all our time here but I am sure we will get it figured out. This afternoon after we got settled and got some food in our belly’s, we took a walk and explored a bit of the city square. While exploring, a theater called “black light theater” caught our eye so we decided to check it out. It was an awesome show with lots of lighting effects and a great story. If you have time you should check out the web site : Link

Also fun fact: Did you guys know that Czech Republic has their own currency?? We sure did not until we arrived!! It is great though, it works much more in our favour than the Euro!

17.75 CZK KC = $1 CAN
WOOHOOO!!!

Well Hello!!

….Link…. Greg & Tom

We have successfully arrived in Krakow, our first real European stop as tourists! The train ride here was a bit of a disaster though. Andrew was going to help us get our tickets and everything in order but instead he took a trip of his own to Poznan the day before our departure. We took him to the train station and he sort of helped us purchase our tickets and sort of showed us where to board our train.

He told us that there would be a bunch of stops on the way but that we were suppose to just stay on all the way until the end of the train ride and we would arrive in Krakow. Wellll he was very wrong. We stayed on the train until the conductor literally kicked us off. When we got off the train we were not in Krakow, but Warsaw. A city about 3 hours ( by train ) away form Krakow. Quite panicked, I tried asking the conductor if he knew what train we were suppose to be on to get to Krakow? He told me, in polish (OF COURSE!) “I don’t know, find an information booth” so that we did! We may have found one, I am still not entirely sure because they also did not speak a word of English and were not very helpful. We tried calling Andrew for some help and all he really had to say was find an information booth. Both of us frustrated and me almost in tears, we started asking random people if they spoken English. After about 5 negatives we came across a man who was able to help us out! He told us that the train he was boarding was going to be going through Krakow and was leaving the station in about half an hour. With not much of a choice we hopped on and bought a new ticket (about double the price as our original), went straight to the train cafe and hoped for  the best.
Not the best first train experience but we made it!!
We walked in circles for a little while trying to find our Hostel. Finally Thomas took charge, asked a tourist booth where our Hostel was and sure enough it was right next door.
Once we arrived to the hostel things went from terrible and hectic, to calm and AWESOME!!

After getting settled in and relaxed a bit we walked around the ginormous mall. Quickly decided that we will have to dedicate a day to shopping and then joined our hostel mates for a complimentary dinner. It was delicious and they even topped it off with a complimentary shot! yuum yuum! Lol We finished off the evening with a long walk through the “Old Krakow” and finally got the feeling that we are in Europe!! The sights of thousand year old castles and churches made us both soooo excited to start seeing what else Europe has to offer.

We are taking tours of Auschwitz and The Salt Mine tomorrow, the tours will keep us busy from about 8 am to 7 pm, with a couple small breaks in-between. It should be quite the day. We tried to book an extra day in the hostel because there is just soo much to do but, unfortunately they are full
We decided we will probably just spend the entire day here doing our last minute sight seeing and then hop on a over night train back to Nowy Tomysl.
Even after the horrid travel here, we are enjoying Krakow and being independent travelers
Anyways, we have a exhausting day behind us and another ahead of us so it is time for bed.
Goodnight!!

Things are going well, Thomas and I are going to spend a couple of nights in Krakow starting on Monday. It is a Polish City a little bigger than Calgary and is the city with the most to see in Poland. We are staying at this really cool Hostel and are going to take a tour of Auschwitz Concentration camp and of a famous Salt mine.

Should be pretty cool, we are pretty excited to start sight seeing and touring the Country. May 11th we are going to spend a couple of nights in Berlin, take a couple tours and will probably start our Travels of Europe from there. We are in the process of getting a EuroPass. The one we got basically gives us unlimited travel of 4 country’s of our choice within 2 months. We are thinking The Netherlands, Czech Republic ( I have a friend who spent 7 months in Grande Prairie last year who lives there) so we are going to stay with her for a couple days and then the 3 of us are going to spend a couple days in Prague. We are also thinking of checking out Switzerland because Thomas wants to get a Swiss watch, Paris and a couple other places!!

So we are pretty excited to get going and begin the true experience of Europe!! We haven’t really posted any pictures yet because where we have been so far hasn’t been anything amazing. Its been a good place to adjust and get used to the European culture but we have been told by many people that Poland is one of the country’s that has the least to see in Europe. Sort of like the Alberta of Canada! Haha.

Now the main reason I was needing a little more time to think was because of craft I was considering flying in. Now I’m sure if a person knows anything about an ultra-light, they would probably tell me that its perfectly safe and I have no reason to be afraid. But I can tell you as a person that has absolutely no experience with them, I was afraid.

Thankfully, even though I really didn’t want to at the time, I still forced myself to do it. Some of the reason for that may have been because Matt already did it before me, and there was no way he was showing me up. So I put on the coat, buckled up, and made my peace.

Before I knew it we were in the air floating up above the city, peering down at the busy people beneath us. The only thing I could hear was the sound of my own breath, and the slight rush of the wind around me. Paul turned, dived, and swooped his way down just above the heads of Matt, Alyssa, and Andrew. Then he managed to almost skim right over the lake. And just like that it was over, we touched down and rolled over to the others.

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For example; he enjoys driving his car through town, harmless sounding enough, right? Well here’s the catch, he likes to drive at 200km\h and higher. Now that’s starting to sound a little more dangerous, but he isn’t finished yet. While driving at these excessive speeds I should add that the roads he drives on can be any combination of; tiny (as in built for one car, while having two on it), slow areas (as in 40 zones), or blind corners. You add all those together at 250km/h and you have a thrill ride for sure, but how does he maintain speed? Well this is accomplished by passing cars at any time, yes even if there is a car in the lane coming towards you. There has only been a few times I have witnessed were even he thought there wasn’t enough room to pass, and in those instances he slams on the brakes and ducks in behind the car he is attempting to pass.

I am told that once he came to Canada and attempted to drive the European way. The problem is, what is customary for highway driving here, is tailgating people until they move out of your way. The main reason for that I’m told is because it is illegal to pass on the right hand side. Now after a day of driving in Canada he excitedly went to his brother, to tell him all about, all the friendly people waving at him on the highway. This was of course before he learned the meaning of the North American middle finger. Needless to say I think he is better off driving in Europe.

So I figured I would take some pictures of his toys.

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About the 3 rd day we were  here, word had already spread across the town of about 20,000 people that ” The Canadians are here ” .  It is crazy how many people will come up and talk to us just for the sake of being able to practice and/or improve their English!
The People we are staying with own a Ikea factory that we are able to work at whenever we please, the work is very simple as the machines do most of it. Another opportunity we will have is being able to teach English at a English camp. It starts in May and is as simple as conversing with people strictly in English to help them improve their English vocabulary.
Right now we are still concentrating on getting comfortable with the new cultures and the family we are staying with.

I have a friend from Czech Republic who has offered us to come and stay with her for a couple of weeks. She would like to show us Prague and a couple other cities near by. I met her a couple of summers ago when she was staying with my friend Kady’s family as sort of a foreign exchange sort of thing. She is very nice and speaks English almost perfectly now. We are pretty excited about that.
We tried to be independent today and ventured into town just the 3 of us. Most shops and restaurants that we are familiar with were closed as today is considered a holiday in Poland. Absolutely starving, we wandered into a ” cafe ” and quickly figured out they only sold coffee’s and desserts and that none of the staff spoke English. The cafe was very small and it literally took us 5 minutes to figure out how to get out of there!! There were only 2 other tables full in the cafe but I am sure they will forever think Canadians are retarded. haha. The second place we tried to grab a bite at, also did not speak English and only served beverages and ice cream!! . . A couple hours after beginning our search for FOOD we ended up finding a gas station and grabbed a couple hot dogs to tide us over until supper. Uhhgg, it was quite the adventure. Haha, oh well a couple hours later we enjoyed a home cooked polish stew. Delicious!!

Anyway’s I am off to get ready for bed as it is 10 pm here.

NIGHT!

We arrived to Nowy Tomysl, Poland (The town we are staying in) at about 1:00 am this morning (Wednesday, April 20th) and pretty much went straight to bed. With all the travel and time changes we had been awake a little over 48 hours, so it was definitely time to catch some zzzz’s. This morning we woke up refreshed, unpacked a little and then went to town to get a mini fridge to complete our mini kitchen!

We exchanged some money into polish Zolty and Euro. After, while Matt’s dad (Andrew) got a quick haircut, myself, Thomas and Matt went to a market to buy some grocery’s!! We bought; water, pepsi, fruit juice, iced tea, grapes, oranges, watermelon, 2 bags of cerial, milk, bread, cheese and some butcher’s meat all for a little under $20.00 Canadian, in Zolty (polish $$) it was $63.70.

This evening we went into town with one of Matt’s cousins ( who is a local here ) to eat. He took us to a very cool restaurant and ordered pizza for us. The pizza was delicious, very close to Canadian pizza but a little bit different in the sense that there is no pizza sauce on the pizza, you actually dip it into pizza sauce. After ordering our pizza we realized that ordering a pizza with ” Pepperoni ” on it in polish is actually a pizza with jalapeños on it!! oops!!!

Unfortunately as soon as we got out of Canada our Phones stopped working. Even in London we were unable to retrieve any service at all so we have the expert working on the issue. We are hopefully getting wireless internet set up tomorrow so we can post our first pictures and videos for you all to view. Right now it is 12: 45 am in Poland. I am off to bed!!!

Goodnight all!!